Bare Minimum Sex
“Bare Minimum Sex”: When Intimacy Feels Like a Chore
TL;DR
A viral discussion trending across TikTok, Reddit, and podcasts is lifting the veil on a quiet epidemic in modern relationships: bare minimum sex—when intimacy becomes an obligation rather than an expression of desire. While often mistaken for compromise, this behavior reflects deeper psychological patterns of emotional detachment, people-pleasing, and social conditioning. Particularly for women, Black folks, and queer communities, it often stems from systemic erasure of sexual autonomy. This article dives into the mental health toll of performative sex, offers a psychological unpacking, and suggests radical tools for healing and re-connection.
The Problem
At its core, bare minimum sex is sex without full-bodied consent—where a person agrees to sex outwardly, but feels emotionally checked out, depleted, or coerced by unspoken expectations. It’s not assault by legal standards, but it is a violation of internal boundaries.
The phrase has exploded on platforms like TikTok and Twitter, where users—especially women and femmes—describe feeling like “a human fleshlight,” “a marital duty,” or “an emotional pacifier.” This trend is more than social media venting; it reveals a structural issue. Cultural expectations around sex often frame it as a need for men and a chore for women, pressuring people to perform desire instead of experience it.
Historically, these norms are rooted in colonial patriarchal ideologies. In the U.S., Black women were hypersexualized during slavery through stereotypes like the Jezebel archetype, which denied them bodily autonomy and depicted them as always sexually available (Collins, 2000). Meanwhile, white women were cast as “pure” and expected to suppress sexual desire in service of family roles (Tolman, 2002). These dual roles laid the groundwork for today’s sexual dynamics, where emotional labor and performance replace consent and connection.
In long-term relationships, this dynamic often reemerges as “maintenance sex”—done to avoid tension, delay arguments, or fulfill the illusion of closeness. A 2022 study by the Kinsey Institute found that 37% of people in committed relationships reported having sex despite having no desire, citing reasons like “keeping the peace” or “meeting partner expectations.”
What’s worse is how it often goes unnoticed, or worse, celebrated. Many are taught to feel grateful for any sexual attention, even when it’s disconnected or one-sided. Especially in communities where male validation is overvalued, sex becomes currency for safety, loyalty, or affirmation—rather than something healing or expressive.
The Psychology
From a psychological standpoint, bare minimum sex is not just a relationship issue—it’s a trauma response.Repeatedly ignoring your internal “no” to satisfy external expectations can trigger patterns similar to fawning, a trauma-based survival strategy where individuals appease others to avoid conflict or abandonment (Walker, 2013).
When sex is done from fear of rejection, obligation, or the desire to be “chosen,” it no longer lives in the realm of pleasure—it becomes survival. That’s particularly true in marginalized communities. Research shows that Black women, LGBTQ+ folks, and people with trauma histories are more likely to engage in sex out of emotional obligation or to preserve connection (APA, 2021; Ford et al., 2020).
A landmark study by Impett et al. (2005) found that people who engage in sex to “please a partner” or “avoid conflict”report significantly lower emotional well-being, reduced relationship satisfaction, and higher rates of depression and disassociation.
Neurobiologically, performative or disconnected sex can activate the brain’s stress pathways, especially when one’s body is participating while the mind is not. This “dual tracking” creates internal dysregulation and, over time, blunts sexual desire altogether (Levine et al., 2021). This phenomenon mirrors emotional neglect: even if someone is physically close, they’re not emotionally safe—and your nervous system knows the difference.
Further, people raised in environments where emotional needs were minimized may associate intimacy with duty or fear of abandonment, rather than mutual enjoyment. For many, performing desire is a learned survival skill, not a reflection of their true wants or needs.
This issue is compounded by gender scripts that frame women and femme-presenting people as caretakers—even in bed. The orgasm gap, for instance, persists because many prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own, often never learning to advocate for or even recognize what they want.
The Facts
42% of women and AFAB individuals report feeling emotionally disconnected during partnered sex in the past year (Kinsey Institute, 2023).
Only 18% of women orgasm consistently during heterosexual sex, compared to 95% of men (Frederick et al., 2017).
A 2020 survey from the Journal of Sexual Medicine found 44% of people who report “performative sex” also report rising sexual dissatisfaction within 12 months.
Engaging in undesired sex to maintain peace is linked to higher levels of disassociation, anxiety, and low self-worth (Impett et al., 2005; Ford et al., 2020).
In a study of trauma survivors, 60% of participants who engaged in unwanted sex reported it led to difficulty identifying authentic desire (APA, 2021).
Black women are disproportionately affected due to the historical dehumanization of their sexuality and higher societal pressure to be “ride-or-die” partners (Collins, 2000; Crenshaw, 1991).
The Advice
Sex should be chosen, not performed. Reclaiming intimacy begins with acknowledging what doesn’t feel right and giving yourself permission to do less.
1. Honor Emotional Consent
Don’t just ask “Did I say yes?” Ask “Did I want to?” If your heart wasn’t in it, something needs attention—internally or relationally.
2. Reclaim Your Body’s Voice
Our bodies speak louder than words. Practice noticing bodily cues like tension, hesitation, or going numb. These are signals—not to ignore, but to explore.
3. Normalize Sexual Timeouts
Taking breaks from sex to rebuild autonomy or desire isn’t failure—it’s healing. Prioritize intimacy through emotional closeness, touch, or communication while you unlearn harmful sexual scripts.
4. Talk About It—Before You Touch
Initiate ongoing conversations with partners about what sex means to you, what you need, and how you want to feel. Vulnerability leads to connection, not rejection.
5. Unlearn “Sex as Proof” Culture
Sex should not be proof of love, loyalty, or your worthiness. You are allowed to be loved fully—even when your answer is no.
Join the Conversation
Have you ever had “bare minimum sex” that left you feeling unseen? Do you struggle to tell the difference between consent and compliance? We want to hear from you.
Submit your story or get advice at robertsaintmichael.com/advice
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References (APA Format)
American Psychological Association. (2021). Sexual trauma and healing in marginalized communities. https://www.apa.org
Collins, P. H. (2000). Black feminist thought: Knowledge, consciousness, and the politics of empowerment. Routledge.
Crenshaw, K. (1991). Mapping the margins: Intersectionality, identity politics, and violence against women of color. Stanford Law Review, 43(6), 1241–1299.
Ford, J. V., et al. (2020). The influence of trauma on sexual health outcomes. Journal of Adolescent Health, 66(2), 183–189.
Frederick, D. A., et al. (2017). The orgasm gap in partnered sex. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 41(4), 491–505.
Impett, E. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2005). Sexual compliance: The role of sexual motives in heterosexual women’s experiences. Journal of Sex Research, 42(2), 128–135.
Kinsey Institute. (2023). Annual sexual behavior survey. https://kinseyinstitute.org
Levine, D. S., et al. (2021). The neurobiology of disassociation during sex. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 128, 95–110.
Tolman, D. L. (2002). Dilemmas of desire: Teenage girls talk about sexuality. Harvard University Press.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Azure Coyote.
